Float Up From Dream...

Wish Happiness Could Just Be Pretended

2009-11-04T13:57:24Z

Our apartment building's fire alarms started going off at like 6 am this morning for an hour. It fucked up my sleep and then I missed my carpool ride later in the morning AGAIN (FUCK MY LIFE! They probably think I'm so irresponsible).

So I called Heidi and texted her and got no response, and left a voice message. I think that probably meant she's driving in to the school as I type this because of the new hands free law where you can't answer your phone or anything.

I'm waiting for my Mum to give me a ride in to school, but I have no way HOME from school unless Heidi brings me home.

Funeral tomorrow.

6 am trip to Toronto on Friday which means not only getting up before 5 am but the night I will need it the most (aka the night after the funeral) I won't be able to spend with Stuart.

This week from hell needs to END lest I toss myself off of my balcony. 15 stories up, I would proooobably leave a good splat.

Oh my God. It just doesn't stop.

I Need the Voice of a Good Friend

2009-11-02T21:40:07Z

Today is just adding stress.

I had been up a little later than usual last night, crying. I slept past my alarm. So I didn't go to school today.

I totally forgot that I had a test.

Tomorrow, we go to see a filming of The Hour, and do a tour of the studio. Stress.

Wednesday I have my internship worksheet due. Wednesday will be filming at the NaNo WriMo write in.

Thursday will be rushing to put my news story together to go to air.

Friday is some stupid trip BACK to Toronto to get a glimpse of the fucking royal family at some winter fair. Like, who gives a shit?! A glimpse! And I have to be at the school for 6 AM! STRESSSSSS.

Fuuuuck this life.

Oh my God. It just doesn't stop.

What brings you to Armageddon?

2009-11-02T06:31:33Z

Today started off excellent.

I woke up next to Stuart, having spent Halloween with him at my place. I woke up to our 2 month anniversary. We talked for awhile and had a shower together, sat in the warmth of the shower and just talked. About everything. This is why I love this boy.

After the shower, he made chocolate chip pancakes for us. So delicious!

Went to the NaNo WriMo kick off party and filmed some great interviews for it. I know I have a lot of homework this week, but for right then and there, I was happy.

We came home, ordered pizza, had it delivered ate it and watched tv. Then went for a nap for a couple of hours. He left around 10:30 and just as soon as he got into the elevator, my phone rang. In the back of my mind, I knew that it couldn't be something good. There was no way.

It was my Mum. Just by her voice, I was preparing for the worst. My grandpa Duern passed away tonight.

I feel so horrible, because I just...I am sad. I cried a little bit, but right now, I can't bring myself to cry more. I WANT to, but it hasn't sunk in yet, I guess. But I'm going on like nothing has happened, and in a way, that hurts so much to do, because it doesn't seem right.

Plus I'm getting sick.

Plus I'm supposed to get my period this week.

This week is going to SUCK.

Maybe I should sleep right now though. 7 am comes to early and I've missed too much school to miss another day right now.

Oh my God. It just doesn't stop.

The Ass Castle

2009-11-01T18:26:02Z

Now is that "The Ass: Castle"? or is that a castle, constructed of ass? I find the latter deeply disturbing.

Oh Glass Castle, never before has a book's title amused me so.

...I should be writing right now.

HUSH.

More Than Enough

2009-10-29T12:47:10Z

Well, there's only more bad news today, readers, because the world hasn't exploded yet.

I had mentioned that apocalypse was in the minds of the masses to Stuart when we were talking last night. It's true, it seems movies lately all focus on the end of the world.

This morning, when my carpool guy picked me up he was acting strange. Told me he wasn't going to direct any form of breathing at me because his wife had worked all night at the hospital at Cambridge (about 15 - 20 minutes away from my school or so...) where there were over 175 confirmed cases of H1N1 influenza.

Moreover, a number of people have died from an ingredient in the vaccination, thus I was advised that if I go to get the vaccination, I should lie and say that I could be pregnant just so that I can get the "safe" vaccine.

What has this world come to, when I'd have to masquerade as a pregnant young adult just so that I don't suffer neurological damage from some vaccination which, with all intents and purposes, is supposed to make me not die?!

God, where is God?

rains_opacity @ 2009-10-25T22:20:00

2009-10-26T02:24:32Z

Kassie is alone on earth. Not merely with no one to feel or share her agony, but with no one to even know of it. Heaven and she are the only ones to know.

She is in a garden. Not one of delight, but of agony.

She suffers this anguish and abandonment in the horror of the night.

Kassie will be in agony until the end of the world. There must be no resting in the meantime...

Love Shouts and Echoes

2009-10-19T12:45:19Z

It costs nothing to say something kind. Even less to shut up altogether.

- Nathan Fillion's twitter profile.

Getting Out of Bed

2009-10-14T13:48:41Z

Or: How my livingroom is going to give me a stress attack.

Seriously. I REALLY need to clean the livingroom. And the dishes. And...everything else. The apartment is SO messy right now, I'm pretty ashamed to have Stuart over, lest he think I am a slob.

I need a NaNo plot soon or else my NaNo WriMo writing will be an uninspired zombie story OR a fanfiction of some description.

Grah.

Must...resist...urge to....District 9 fanfiction. FFFFFF.

rains_opacity @ 2009-10-06T14:39:00

2009-10-06T18:52:53Z

It's breaking my heart right now, that I want to curl up so badly and just cry. But seeing as I'm in the middle of the college...not gonna happen.

I hate that being in love opens up this whole...self esteem issue. Fuck. He tells me I'm beautiful, and he'd never want me to change. I can't believe that. I just fucken can't, and it's ripping me apart, because I know...lord knows, I know, if I argue it enough...well, when I was with Cody, any time I had self esteem issues about being obese, he'd just stop talking to me, so I was left to suffer alone.

What I have with Stuart is so...amazing and special. I can't let my doubts get the best of this.

God knows I feel bad writing this right now. I don't deserve how lucky I am.

So, I guess now is the time. New diet. And by diet, I mean lifestyle. And by lifestyle, I mean that I will know nothing but agony.

I know. Cry moar, emo kid

rains_opacity @ 2009-10-01T12:13:00

2009-10-01T16:14:41Z

Never say never to always.

New Leaf

2009-09-30T15:00:07Z

Fall is here. Summer is dead, and winter is coming while the whithered leaves fall from the trees. Such is my life, or so it seems.

This is all too weird to understand.

I am no longer the same person.

I dreamed about my High School today. It no longer was the same, and no longer did it mean anything to me. Walking down the hallways, I almost felt trivial that the place was of any major importance. That place made me. . . but I've died.

I realize that I've died. . . .

The girl that left that school is dead and gone. She no longer exists. Now this new person walks the earth, and I'm not quite sure who she is. I look in the mirror and I see a different face. I hear a different voice. I have no idea who she is.

None of it means anything.

All of the things that used to matter so much no longer mean anything to me. It's like I'm floating around now, trying to find the pieces of who I am. This victim is dead...the girl I once was died. She gave up on being a victim and wanted to live.

I want to live.....

No more stalling. I get a jump start on my life from now on. I'm going to apply everything I've got, and set and achieve goals.

My life needs to get moving, and there's no looking back.

Two Weeks on a Morphine Drip

2009-09-29T19:08:35Z

...And that, children, is why you should never...ever....post about being happy. It will inevitably come back and bite you in the ass.

Apparently there have been some "small things" around school that have made my professors "concern" for me. Because I missed an hour or so of class on Friday (due to my carpool being late), I missed yesterday (because of having a headache), doing poorly on an assignment (first assignment of the year and I fail it. Fuck, I don't even deserve to be in post secondary) and an offhand (I thought humourous) comment about being followed by a black cloud of freakish bad luck.

These things were all that was required for them to go "OHHOLYGOD! She's not fitting in (which I'm really not...). WE NEED TO HAVE A MEETING/INTERROGATION!"

So now I'm on the brink of tears ( I don't do well with people claiming to "care" about me. Even if it's true, it always makes me get close to crying) because my two profs sat me down and had a talk about how I need to have more confidence in myself, and I can take classes on organization and if there are any personal problems, I can tell them. And of course, the "pump up". Oh, we think you're so bright and you're well suited to this course.

Hullo, I am by no means NOT the next person to wig out and do something stupid. Just because I wear black, am quiet, and sit at the back of the class doesn't mean that I have issues. And just because I flopped one assignment doesn't mean I don't care or breezed over it with no regard.

And yup. Here I am, sitting alone once more. Same in every school. In every program.

So much for my brand new beginning of being better.

I'm Happy

2009-09-29T05:17:30Z

I stayed home from school today, because I felt sick/had a pretty bad headache. Amanda wasn't feeling well either so we planned on sitting around watching movies once she came home from class.

While talking to Stu, I mentioned I wasn't feeling well, and he took time out of his evening to come by my place with apple cider and pasta (with chicken and sauce!) for me. I dunno if he realizes how immensely thoughtful a thing that was for him to do, but I mean, that's just the thing.

He is really sweet. He doesn't mind holding my hand or cuddling/hugging or kissing me in front of his family or friends of the family, he's supportive, he tells me he loves me, he tells me that I make him happy. We have such a sense of humour together, and I can just relax with him. No crazy worrying, no arguing, no feeling guilty or not good enough.

Just he and I. I feel beautiful when I'm with him.

Suddenly, I forget that I've been hurt in the past. That I spent nights and nights wishing for something that never came to pass. I've forgotten how scared I was to be in love again. I've thrown away my walls and just let this boy in to love me and let me love him.

I guess I'm able to say it, and believe it.

Three small words that make a world of difference.

"I am happy."

That's Not My Name

2009-09-25T12:16:42Z

You know, I really take an effort in learning people's names and getting them right. I think that's just common courtesy.

So why in the hell can nobody get my name right?! Kassie isn't that hard. A little uncommon, yes. But certainly not hard.

Over the years I have gotten these and any variation on them:

Kathy (this is the most common one), Casey, Cassidy, Charlene...

And now, most recently, Kelsey.

Seriously.

Like...this guy from my class who is arranging film crews to cover the documentary festival is CONVINCED my name is Kelsey. Dude. Fuck you in the neck with a ballpoint pen. And then he wonders why I'm the slow one who can't figure out what day I'm covering the festival on.

KASSIE. KASSIE KASSIE KASSIE. Not with a C. Not with an "ey". Diminuitive of "KASSAUNDRA".

Rageragerage.

Not to mention my carpool guy took to calling me Kathy and now his kids are convinced that's my name.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

I'm better now.

rains_opacity @ 2009-09-20T22:00:00

2009-09-21T02:02:17Z

fallofreason is the sweetie woman. <3

Upcoming Things to Be Excited For

2009-09-15T12:47:03Z

I'm in a bit of a slump, so here are the things to look forward to, in the up coming couple months:

- Seeing District 9 with roommate TONIGHT =D

- Seeing 9 with Stu sometime this week!

- Hanging out with VeeBee on Friday night

- Halloween Horror Movie Challenge, all of October

- NaNo WriMo all of November

- Slayer concert with Stu November 13th

Notbadnotbad.

Just Begun

2009-09-09T12:59:52Z

So, I had a dream last night that I woke up in a pitch black room, and off in the corner somewhere there was a little blinking red light. That was the only thing constant about being there; the little blinking red light.

There was a window, but it had iron bars in the open portion. I was chained down to the floor by one of my ankles, and there really nothing that I could do but sit and watch the sun light up the room as it rose. As the room gained more light, I saw that I was in a dank, cold cement room. The walls were plastered with pictures though, personal photographs of friends and family.

I kept fading in and out of conciousness and hopelessness in the dream.

That's about all I remember, other than at one point, a dark figure (like a person) passed by the window, and looked in then continued on his (or her?) way.

Weird.

Horror Movie Whut?!

2009-09-07T00:02:05Z

To all those effected by this...I am SO. Sorry.

Welcome to my movie list post. It will be edited often, so stay tuned in October.

take the horror challenge

( NOTE: Suggestions are always welcomed. I may be a seasoned horror movie veteran, but even I haven't seen everything )

This is where you can follow my progress with the horror challenge!

Oct. 1
1. Thr3e (www.imdb.com/title/tt0486028/)
2. The Poughkeepsie Tapes (www.imdb.com/title/tt1010271/)
3. Gurotesuku (www.imdb.com/title/tt1352369/)
4. Autopsy (www.imdb.com/title/tt0443435/)

Oct. 2 (This is where I started to fall behind...)
5. Trick 'r Treat (www.imdb.com/title/tt0862856/)

Oct. 3rd
6. Dead Girl
7. Grace (www.imdb.com/title/tt1220213/)

Oct. 4
8. Zombieland (www.imdb.com/title/tt1156398/)
9. House (www.imdb.com/title/tt0837796/) (The christian horror flick, not the sarcastic doctor...)
10. House of 1000 Corpses (www.imdb.com/title/tt0251736/)
11. The Devil's Rejects (www.imdb.com/title/tt0395584/)
12. Alone in the Dark 2 (www.imdb.com/title/tt0913951/) (I never learn, I'm NEVER watching this film again. FFFF.)

Oct. 5
13. The Ruins (www.imdb.com/title/tt0963794/)
14. Pontypool (www.imdb.com/title/tt1226681/)

rains_opacity @ 2009-09-02T14:33:00

2009-09-02T18:34:45Z

I love you a little less than before...

Evidence of Things Unseen

2009-08-22T02:59:34Z

I've been given the very good advice that I should not get involved with him. He will only drive me crazy.

If you're using a girl, I don't think you actively seek out times to talk to her, or see her. You don't ask about her theater production and plan to attend it, and you don't go out of your way coming home from somewhere to see her.

Or am I just seeing what I want to see? Inquiring monsters want to know.

rains_opacity @ 2009-08-11T06:41:00

2009-08-11T10:42:32Z

I flicked something out from between my teeth this morning and there it was; another thought. Another piece of you.

Cave In

2009-08-06T15:42:19Z

Please take a long look through your text book, because I'm history. When I strap my helmet on, I'll be long gone, because I've been dying to leave. I'll write the range, and hide all of the loose change in my bedroom, after all, riding a dirtbike down a turnpike will always take it's toll on me.

I've had just about enough of, quote, "diamonds in the rough". Because my backbone is really just paperthin, get me out of this cavern or else I'll cave in.

If the bombs go off, the sun will still be shining, because I've heard it said that every mushroom cloud has a silver lining. You should swallow a drop of gravel and blacktop, because the road tastes like wintergreen. The wind and the rain smell of oil and octane mixed with stale gasoline.

I'll soak up the sound and try to sleep on the way home, but I'll only get ten minutes, give or take. I just don't foresee myself getting drowsy when cold integrity keeps me wide awake.

I'll keep my helmet on just incase my head caves in. Because if my bones collapse or my brain work snaps, it will make a mess like you wouldn't believe. I will tie my handlebars to the stars so that I can stay on track , and if my attentions stray, I will pull them away and I will take my leave and I won't even look back.

rains_opacity @ 2009-08-04T16:49:00

2009-08-04T20:50:57Z

It's official. My G1 exit test is on September 2nd, 2009.

My friend's birthday who passed away. She hasn't even been gone for a year, yet.

I cannot do this.

rains_opacity @ 2009-07-27T19:31:00

2009-07-27T23:38:14Z

I'm clicking your fingers for a gothic twilight, that actually existed just in your head. Your fingernails painted black or blood red, I forget.

And your fake leather volumes, jabbering on hell. Manifest decadence is what you hoped you exhaled. Your eyes tried so hard to glitter.

A star snuffing black, so you opened your books, and you opened your legs and so opened your heart and you let in the badness that you claimed was your friend.

With unangels hovering like flies around the orchard, but it covered your soul; their empire increasing. And your country deserted by yourself.

The bells of saint Mary call us to remember that all life is with end. And the gestures may kill us, more over, destroy, and there is one judgement only.

Your letters came daily, in French or in German. But they meant to me nothing. I caught the small chords and dry ice fogging your mind.

I see all too clearly now, how you could be discarded. And though I could pray for you, I probably shan't, having had my cup filled up with your lies and your make up. You were nothing thinking you're something.

And none the less I still write this gothic love song. A sign to myself and a memory of my past.

I still write this gothic love song. A sign to myself and a memory of my past, and a way to shut out your face.

Sing A Song of Savage Spiders

2009-07-26T18:41:32Z

I wake alone, in a man's bed that I hardly know. I wake alone, and pretend that I am finally home.

The room is littered with his books and notebooks. I can't help but imagine what they say, like, "Shoo, fly. Don't bother me." I could hardly get myself out of the bed for fear of never lying in that bed again. Oh Christ, I'm not that desperate. Oh no. Oh God. I am.

How did I end up here to begine with? I don't know. Why do I start what I can't finished? Oh please don't barrage me with the questions to all of those ugly answers. My ego is like my stomach, it keeps shitting what I feed it.

But maybe I don't want to finish anything any more. Maybe I can wait in bed until he comes home and whispers, "You're in my web now. I've come to wrap you up tight until it's time to bite down."