Today is just adding stress.

I had been up a little later than usual last night, crying. I slept past my alarm. So I didn't go to school today.

I totally forgot that I had a test.

Tomorrow, we go to see a filming of The Hour, and do a tour of the studio. Stress.

Wednesday I have my internship worksheet due. Wednesday will be filming at the NaNo WriMo write in.

Thursday will be rushing to put my news story together to go to air.

Friday is some stupid trip BACK to Toronto to get a glimpse of the fucking royal family at some winter fair. Like, who gives a shit?! A glimpse! And I have to be at the school for 6 AM! STRESSSSSS.

Fuuuuck this life.

Oh my God. It just doesn't stop.

Today started off excellent.

I woke up next to Stuart, having spent Halloween with him at my place. I woke up to our 2 month anniversary. We talked for awhile and had a shower together, sat in the warmth of the shower and just talked. About everything. This is why I love this boy.

After the shower, he made chocolate chip pancakes for us. So delicious!

Went to the NaNo WriMo kick off party and filmed some great interviews for it. I know I have a lot of homework this week, but for right then and there, I was happy.

We came home, ordered pizza, had it delivered ate it and watched tv. Then went for a nap for a couple of hours. He left around 10:30 and just as soon as he got into the elevator, my phone rang. In the back of my mind, I knew that it couldn't be something good. There was no way.

It was my Mum. Just by her voice, I was preparing for the worst. My grandpa Duern passed away tonight.

I feel so horrible, because I just...I am sad. I cried a little bit, but right now, I can't bring myself to cry more. I WANT to, but it hasn't sunk in yet, I guess. But I'm going on like nothing has happened, and in a way, that hurts so much to do, because it doesn't seem right.

Plus I'm getting sick.

Plus I'm supposed to get my period this week.

This week is going to SUCK.

Maybe I should sleep right now though. 7 am comes to early and I've missed too much school to miss another day right now.

Oh my God. It just doesn't stop.

Now is that "The Ass: Castle"? or is that a castle, constructed of ass? I find the latter deeply disturbing.


Oh Glass Castle, never before has a book's title amused me so.





...I should be writing right now.


HUSH.
 

Well, there's only more bad news today, readers, because the world hasn't exploded yet.

I had mentioned that apocalypse was in the minds of the masses to Stuart when we were talking last night. It's true, it seems movies lately all focus on the end of the world.

This morning, when my carpool guy picked me up he was acting strange. Told me he wasn't going to direct any form of breathing at me because his wife had worked all night at the hospital at Cambridge (about 15 - 20 minutes away from my school or so...) where there were over 175 confirmed cases of H1N1 influenza.

Moreover, a number of people have died from an ingredient in the vaccination, thus I was advised that if I go to get the vaccination, I should lie and say that I could be pregnant just so that I can get the "safe" vaccine.

What has this world come to, when I'd have to masquerade as a pregnant young adult just so that I don't suffer neurological damage from some vaccination which, with all intents and purposes, is supposed to make me not die?!

God, where is God?

Or: How my livingroom is going to give me a stress attack.


Seriously. I REALLY need to clean the livingroom. And the dishes. And...everything else. The apartment is SO messy right now, I'm pretty ashamed to have Stuart over, lest he think I am a slob.

I need a NaNo plot soon or else my NaNo WriMo writing will be an uninspired zombie story OR a fanfiction of some description.


Grah.


Must...resist...urge to....District 9 fanfiction. FFFFFF.

...And that, children, is why you should never...ever....post about being happy. It will inevitably come back and bite you in the ass.

Apparently there have been some "small things" around school that have made my professors "concern" for me. Because I missed an hour or so of class on Friday (due to my carpool being late), I missed yesterday (because of having a headache), doing poorly on an assignment (first assignment of the year and I fail it. Fuck, I don't even deserve to be in post secondary) and an offhand (I thought humourous) comment about being followed by a black cloud of freakish bad luck.

These things were all that was required for them to go "OHHOLYGOD! She's not fitting in (which I'm really not...). WE NEED TO HAVE A MEETING/INTERROGATION!"

So now I'm on the brink of tears ( I don't do well with people claiming to "care" about me. Even if it's true, it always makes me get close to crying) because my two profs sat me down and had a talk about how I need to have more confidence in myself, and I can take classes on organization and if there are any personal problems, I can tell them. And of course, the "pump up". Oh, we think you're so bright and you're well suited to this course.

Hullo, I am by no means NOT the next person to wig out and do something stupid. Just because I wear black, am quiet, and sit at the back of the class doesn't mean that I have issues. And just because I flopped one assignment doesn't mean I don't care or breezed over it with no regard.

And yup. Here I am, sitting alone once more. Same in every school. In every program.

So much for my brand new beginning of being better.

I stayed home from school today, because I felt sick/had a pretty bad headache. Amanda wasn't feeling well either so we planned on sitting around watching movies once she came home from class.

While talking to Stu, I mentioned I wasn't feeling well, and he took time out of his evening to come by my place with apple cider and pasta (with chicken and sauce!) for me. I dunno if he realizes how immensely thoughtful a thing that was for him to do, but I mean, that's just the thing.

He is really sweet. He doesn't mind holding my hand or cuddling/hugging or kissing me in front of his family or friends of the family, he's supportive, he tells me he loves me, he tells me that I make him happy. We have such a sense of humour together, and I can just relax with him. No crazy worrying, no arguing, no feeling guilty or not good enough.

Just he and I. I feel beautiful when I'm with him.

Suddenly, I forget that I've been hurt in the past. That I spent nights and nights wishing for something that never came to pass. I've forgotten how scared I was to be in love again. I've thrown away my walls and just let this boy in to love me and let me love him.

I guess I'm able to say it, and believe it.

Three small words that make a world of difference.

"I am happy."

So, I had a dream last night that I woke up in a pitch black room, and off in the corner somewhere there was a little blinking red light.  That was the only thing constant about being there; the little blinking red light.

There was a window, but it had iron bars in the open portion. I was chained down to the floor by one of my ankles, and there really nothing that I could do but sit and watch the sun light up the room as it rose. As the room gained more light, I saw that I was in a dank, cold cement room. The walls were plastered with pictures though, personal photographs of friends and family.

I kept fading in and out of conciousness and hopelessness in the dream.

That's about all I remember, other than at one point, a dark figure (like a person) passed by the window, and looked in then continued on his (or her?) way.

Weird.

I've been given the very good advice that I should not get involved with him. He will only drive me crazy.

If you're using a girl, I don't think you actively seek out times to talk to her, or see her. You don't ask about her theater production and plan to attend it, and you don't go out of your way coming home from somewhere to see her.

Or am I just seeing what I want to see? Inquiring monsters want to know.